- A restraining order isn't granted just because a relationship has become hostile, or because someone says they feel unsafe in general terms.
- In relationships where one partner has been controlling or abusive, the other partner may seek a restraining order defensively, or the more controlling partner may seek one to appear…
When a relationship ends badly, it's common for both people to feel they need protection from the other. That naturally raises the question: can each person simply get a restraining order against the other, so both sides are covered? In Ontario family law, the answer is more nuanced than a simple yes — courts are generally cautious about "mutual" restraining orders, and for good reason.
This article explains why, and what actually happens when both parties allege they need protection.
What a Restraining Order Requires — for Each Side
A restraining order isn't granted just because a relationship has become hostile, or because someone says they feel unsafe in general terms. The person asking for one has to show the court reasonable grounds to fear for their own safety, or the safety of a child in their care — and that test has to be met independently by each person. One person's fear of the other doesn't automatically establish that the reverse is also true.
This is the core reason courts are wary of automatically granting "mutual" orders: doing so risks treating a genuine safety order as a formality or a bargaining chip, rather than as a serious remedy tied to an actual, individually established risk.
Why Courts Are Cautious
- Family violence dynamics. In relationships where one partner has been controlling or abusive, the other partner may seek a restraining order defensively, or the more controlling partner may seek one to appear even-handed, or to add further pressure. Family violence — and its impact on safe co-parenting — is an express factor courts consider, and they scrutinize each request on its own merits with that dynamic in mind.
- The order's purpose. A restraining order exists to protect someone from a real, ongoing risk, not to formalize mutual dislike or conflict following a difficult separation.
- Practical enforcement problems. If both people are simultaneously restrained from contacting each other, ordinary co-parenting communication can become legally fraught — something courts try to avoid unless genuinely necessary for safety on both sides.
Myth vs. Reality
| Myth | Reality |
|---|---|
| "If my ex gets an order against me, I automatically get one back." | Each person must independently show the court their own reasonable grounds for fear — one order doesn't automatically justify a second. |
| "A mutual order is the fair, neutral outcome." | Courts assess whether each individual request is genuinely justified; treating it as a fairness compromise can undermine a legitimate safety order. |
| "If we're both scared of each other, the court will just grant both requests." | Both requests will be considered, but each stands or falls on its own evidence — general mutual fear isn't the same as meeting the legal threshold. |
| "Asking for my own order will look like I'm just retaliating." | A genuinely justified request doesn't become weaker because it follows the other person's application — but weak or clearly retaliatory requests are the pattern courts are specifically alert to. |
What Actually Happens When Both Sides Allege a Need for Protection
Rather than automatically issuing mirror-image orders, a court will typically:
- Examine each request on its own facts and evidence
- Consider whether there's a pattern where one party has been primarily controlling or violent, even if the other has also acted out
- Decide separately whether each person has met the threshold — the outcome could be one order, two separate and possibly differently worded orders, or none at all
- Consider alternatives, such as communication conditions built into a parenting order, where a full restraining order isn't warranted for one or both sides
Frequently asked questions
If my ex already has a restraining order against me, does that hurt my chances of getting my own?
Not automatically — but it will factor into the court's overall assessment of the dynamic between you, especially if there's a pattern suggesting one party has been the primary source of the conflict.
Can we agree between ourselves to a "mutual" no-contact arrangement without going to court?
You can agree privately to limit contact, but a private agreement doesn't carry the same enforcement weight — including police involvement — that a court-ordered restraining order does.
Is a mutual restraining order ever granted in Ontario?
Courts can grant separate restraining orders in favour of each party where each independently meets the legal test, though this is less common than a single, one-directional order and depends entirely on the specific facts.
What should I do if I genuinely fear my ex but they've already filed against me first?
Bring your own application and present your own evidence. The fact that your ex applied first doesn't prevent you from seeking your own order if your circumstances independently justify it.
This is a family law question
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