How to Tell Your Children About a Separation in Ontario

Telling your children that their parents are separating is one of the hardest conversations you will have. Most parents worry about saying the wrong thing, and many are also worried about what the law expects.

There is no script that fits every family. This article gives practical guidance for planning the conversation, explains what Ontario sources say about talking to children, and points out common pitfalls to avoid.

Before you talk: plan together if you can

If it is safe to do so, agree with the other parent on the key messages before you sit down with the children. Children cope better when they hear one consistent explanation. Choose a calm time, ideally when nobody has to rush to school or bed, and avoid doing it just before a major event.

If there is family violence or you do not feel safe talking with the other parent, do not put yourself at risk for the sake of a joint conversation. If you are in danger, call 911 or local police and make a safety plan.

What to say, and what to avoid

Children are not expected to choose between their parents, and they should be told the separation does not mean anything is wrong with them. Keep the explanation simple and age-appropriate.

• Say clearly that the separation does not mean anything is wrong with them
• Explain in simple terms what will change and what will stay the same, such as school and activities
• Reassure them that both parents still love them
• Do not ask them to choose between their parents
• Do not include them in discussions about money
• Do not criticize the other parent in front of them
• Invite questions, and accept that they may need several conversations

If a child is struggling, Kids Help Phone is available at 1-800-668-6868.

Legal pitfalls to keep in mind

Under the Divorce Act, the parties to a proceeding must, as far as they are able, protect children from conflict arising from the proceeding. This weighs against discussing the court case with children, showing them court papers or asking them to take part in the dispute. Unmarried parents, and married parents not seeking a divorce, fall under Ontario's Children's Law Reform Act instead, so how this applies to you is worth confirming with a lawyer.

Parents decide parenting arrangements, and a judge decides whether children take part in any court process. That means you should not promise a child that they will get to decide, or ask them to tell a judge what you want.

• Under the Divorce Act, past conduct is left out of the best-interests analysis unless it is relevant to a person's ability to parent or have contact with the child. If you are unmarried or not seeking a divorce, how this applies depends on your situation, so it is worth confirming with a lawyer. Complaining about the other parent to the children is unlikely to help.
• Family violence is an exception. A court must consider it, whether or not it is a criminal offence, and its impact on the child.
• Do not get into the other parent's email or social media accounts to find messages. Fraudulently and without colour of right getting into a computer system or service can be an offence under the Criminal Code.
• Be careful about recording. Intercepting a private communication is an offence, but it is not an offence if you have the consent of the person who sent it or its intended recipient, and a participant recording their own conversation falls into that exception. Get advice before relying on recordings.

Setting up routines after the conversation

Once children know, they usually want to know what happens next. A clear schedule helps. Under the Divorce Act, parenting time may be set out in a schedule, and it should give the child as much time with each spouse as is consistent with the child's best interests. For unmarried parents, and married parents not seeking a divorce, parenting is dealt with under Ontario law, including the Children's Law Reform Act, so how the rules apply is worth confirming with a lawyer.

In a Divorce Act proceeding, if you and the other parent cannot agree, the parties must try to resolve their issues through family dispute resolution such as negotiation or mediation where appropriate, though agreement is not required to go to court. Family mediation services are available in all Ontario family courts. If parents still cannot agree, a judge decides based on the children's best interests.

What to do next

• Decide, with the other parent if safe, who will say what and when
• Write down three or four key messages in plain words
• Plan a short-term schedule so children know where they will be
• Keep court papers and money discussions away from the children
• Line up support for the children, such as a teacher, counsellor or Kids Help Phone
• Speak with a lawyer about parenting arrangements before you sign anything

If parenting is likely to be disputed, a lawyer can explain how the rules apply to your family, including whether you are married or unmarried and whether a divorce is involved.

Frequently asked questions