Telling Kids About Separation and Co-Parenting Basics in Ontario

Deciding to separate is one of the hardest things a family goes through. Once the decision is made, many parents face an equally daunting question: how do we tell the children?

There is no perfect script, but there is a well-worn body of child development research — and a clear legal framework in Ontario — pointing in the same direction. The way you talk to your children about separation, and the way you set up your parenting life going forward, can shape how they adjust for years to come. This guide walks through what to say, what to avoid, how Ontario courts think about parenting arrangements, and the practical first steps to a working co-parenting plan.

The Conversation: What to Say and What to Avoid

Have the conversation together if at all possible

Telling kids about separation Ontario experts consistently agree on one thing: wherever safe and feasible, both parents should deliver the news together. A united front tells children they are still loved by both parents, and that the two of you are still capable of working together for them. If a joint conversation is not safe or realistic given your circumstances, a trusted adult or family therapist can help.

Match the message to the child's age

Children process change differently depending on where they are developmentally.

• Young children (under 6): Keep it concrete and short. "Mummy and Daddy are going to live in two different houses. You will spend time with each of us, and we both love you very much." Avoid abstract explanations. Repeat the message over time — young children need reassurance in layers.

• School-age children (6–12): They will have more questions and may worry about logistics — "Where will I sleep? What about my school?" Answer what you can. Be honest that some things are still being figured out. This age group is also prone to self-blame; say clearly and more than once: "This is not your fault."

• Teenagers: Teens often want more detail and may push for a "reason." It is appropriate to say something like "we have grown apart" without sharing adult grievances. Teenagers still need to hear they are not responsible, and they need to know that your relationship with them is separate from whatever is happening between the two of you.

What to avoid saying

• Do not make one parent the villain. Even if there is genuine anger or hurt, speaking negatively about the other parent in front of children places them in an impossible loyalty conflict. Ontario courts take this seriously.
• Do not use children as messengers, or ask them to keep secrets from the other parent.
• Do not question children about what the other parent does or says in their home.
• Do not suggest that children choose sides or express a preference — not yet, and not casually. If decision-making and parenting time become contested, a court may eventually speak with older children, but that is a formal process, not a dinner-table conversation.

How Ontario Law Thinks About Parenting After Separation

Decision-making responsibility and parenting time

Ontario uses specific legal language. "Decision-making responsibility" (formerly called "custody") refers to the authority to make major choices for a child — about education, health care, religion, and extracurricular activities. "Parenting time" (formerly called "access") refers to the time each parent spends with the child.

These two concepts are separate. A parenting arrangement might give both parents joint decision-making responsibility while scheduling parenting time in many different ways. Or one parent may have sole decision-making responsibility while the other has generous parenting time. The arrangement should fit your family, not a template.

The "best interests of the child" standard

Whether parents reach an agreement on their own, through negotiation, mediation, or before a court, the governing principle under Ontario's Children's Law Reform Act and the federal Divorce Act is the same: what arrangement serves the best interests of the child?

Courts look at a list of factors, which generally include:

• The nature and quality of each parent's relationship with the child
• Each parent's ability to care for the child and meet their day-to-day needs
• The child's established routine, stability, and connection to their community
• The child's own views and preferences, given their age and maturity
• The ability and willingness of each parent to support the child's relationship with the other parent
• Any history of family violence or abuse

That last item — a parent's willingness to support the child's relationship with the other parent — is one Ontario courts consistently weigh. A parent who speaks disparagingly of the other parent, or who puts up barriers to parenting time, can find those choices reflected in a parenting order.

Setting Up a Parenting Time Schedule

A parenting time schedule takes the abstract idea of "shared parenting" and turns it into a workable calendar. There is no single correct schedule — what works for a family with a newborn looks very different from what works when both children are in secondary school.

Common schedule structures

• Week-on, week-off: Children alternate full weeks with each parent. This is simple to administer and works well when parents live close to each other and children are school-age or older.
• 2-2-3 rotation: Children spend two days with one parent, two with the other, then three with the first, rotating weekly. This keeps both parents involved on a short cycle and suits younger children who do better with more frequent contact.
• Primary residence with scheduled parenting time: One parent's home is the primary base; the other parent has regular, consistent time (often alternating weekends plus a weekday). This can work when parents live far apart, schedules are very different, or a child has particular stability needs.

What a good parenting plan covers

Beyond the base schedule, a written parenting plan should address:

• Holiday and special occasion rotation (birthdays, school breaks, statutory holidays)
• How last-minute schedule changes are requested and confirmed
• How parents will communicate (app, email, phone) and a turnaround expectation for non-urgent messages
• What happens if a child is sick on a transition day
• How major decisions will be made and what happens if the parents disagree

Parenting plans can be informal agreements between two cooperative parents, or they can be incorporated into a separation agreement or court order. Having something in writing — even a straightforward document — reduces confusion and conflict when life gets complicated.

Frequently asked questions